While in New York visiting family, I decided to take a pregnancy test to find some explanation for my ridiculous exhaustion. It was positive, which wouldn't have been all that surprising given my symptoms, but was in a way as I had taken about five of them just the week before. Chad had stayed in Arizona for work, so I spent the rest of the week planning how I would tell him.
I filled online shopping carts with maternity clothes and newborn cloth diapers. I researched car seats and almost pulled the trigger on one before deciding to wait for it to go on sale. I thought of names: Judah, Tova, Grace... and I imagined sweet Buggie playing with her new brother or sister in just a few months. I worried about what you buy a second child for Christmas when we already have more than enough toys for an entire village of children. I bought a prenatal yoga dvd and had it sent home with explicit instructions for Chad: DO NOT OPEN. DO NOT CHECK THE AMAZON SHOPPING CART.
We hadn't really been trying to have another baby, per se, but we had been talking about trying and had not-so-secretly been hoping that we could get pregnant again with as little effort and planning as the first time. Chad had been hoping to have another right away, so I was very excited to tell him that his wish had been granted. Just before leaving to come home I took another test, just to be sure. Positive. We were having a baby!
The flights home were exhausting. I had had my brother with me on the way to New York, but on the way home it was just me and Buggie. I pushed through and stayed positive in order to keep her happy (as nobody wants to deal with an upset baby on an airplane), trembling with excitement to see Chad and tell him the amazing news. He picked us up from the airport and, after an adventure through the parking garage to find our car, brought the three of us home.
I hate surprises and it was a miracle that I had made it so long without spoiling this one, so as soon as we were in the door I found my Amazon package and told Chad to sit down with Emilie and open it. A yoga video? A PRENATAL yoga video? SERIOUSLY??? Chad jumped up from the table, lifted me in the air and shouted with excitement. We were having another baby!
I spent a few minutes explaining to Chad that I was only a few weeks along and that it was really not wise to announce a pregnancy so early as your chances of miscarriage are pretty high in the first 12 weeks. He insisted that our baby was fine, but agreed to only tell a small, select handful of people.
Minutes later, the bleeding started.
I never felt nauseous. I never had a headache. I never had cramps. There was no visible embryonic sac. The bleeding was never that bad. But four days, some large clots and two negative pregnancy tests later it was clear that we had lost our sweet angel baby.
It's been a week and a half since this happened and we don't know why it did, although I try to find a new reason to blame myself every day (I drank too much coffee! I took ibuprofen (did you know that doubles your risk of miscarriage?? it seems something like that should be written in bold letters across the front of the bottle)! I was too stressed!). We are utterly heartbroken, but have drawn closer to each other in this time than we have been in so long. We are confused and hurt that God would allow this to happen - a miscarriage is one thing, but one in the middle of our celebrating seems cruel. But the timing is too perfect. Too terribly perfect to mean nothing. We are trusting that God had a very good reason for this and are awaiting the day when we can meet our sweet angel in Heaven.
Thank you to those of you who already knew all this and who encouraged and comforted us during this time. The physical process has ended, but the emotional and spiritual healing has only just begun. Please continue to pray that we have peace and confidence during this time and that we don't allow our sadness over our baby lost to distract us from the perfect baby we already have.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28 ESV
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